You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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