I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
