I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
