My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
