Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
