my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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