My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
