I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
