I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
