What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
