Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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