I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
