A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
