So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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