I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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