sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
