I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
