get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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