My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
