I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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