I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
