Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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