Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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