theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
