I think i peed on brittanys purse
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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