Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
