Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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