i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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