I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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