After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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