I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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