i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
