Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Randomize
