saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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