I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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