God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
