I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
