my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
