Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
