Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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