i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
