If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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