I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
