woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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