whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
