i was born a porn star she said
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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