I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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