She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
