Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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