Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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