Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
