i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
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