im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize