On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
