I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
