Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
