I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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