her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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