hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
