a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
