Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
