i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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