I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize