It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im holly from the hills drunk
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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